Reclaiming Your Self-worth After Abuse

March 11, 2019 Haley Canaday

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In May of 2020 there came a week where quarantine-ing from the pandemic came to a peak for me. I think we could all agree that the first couple months in, we were hopeful and spreading love in every creative way we could. Putting hearts in our windows, sewing hundreds of masks, video chatting our loved ones, and maybe drunk sexting hotties around the world.

But that particular week, a few things led me to a brink.

My oldest fell off his hoverboard and hurt his wrist, leading to a trip to the ER, I let my boys beat each other up for the first time ever, leading one of them to throw a gallon of black paint at the other, spilling it all over the basement carpet, my house was messier than it had ever been before, and my middle shook up a can of Mountain Dew and hit it with a hammer to “see what would happen.”

-Picture of me that week-

But here are the three life changing things that came out of that week:

1.) I developed a new parenting technique. When the children started arguing or talking back, and I was about to lose my shit, I would close my eyes, slowly sway back and forth, and sing “Kumbaya.” Not only did this lower my blood pressure and help me to maintain my composure, it also made the children really confused and stop what they were doing. A win for all!

2.) My wine consumption increased.

3.) I lost my sanity. And in turn, started finding myself.

I can’t quite pinpoint the moment it happened exactly.

It felt like all of a sudden there was a huge, steep pile of rubble all around me. A pile all of societies expectations of what I should be, all the embedded misbeliefs that were forced on me over the years. and there I was deep in the middle of it all. But for the first time in years, I could see pieces of true myself again as I slowly and deliberately, started climbing my way out. Moving one boulder at a time. Revealing one gaping wound at a time, ready to be healed.

If you’ve ever been in an abusive relationship of any sort, you know that your perception of yourself and the reality around you changes. You lose yourself becoming hyper aware of everyone’s needs, to try and stay one step ahead so you don’t “get in trouble.”

You’re constantly trying to prove your worth and love by going above and beyond, just to get a few crumbs. Because when you’re in a relationship like that, those crumbs feel like hope that days are getting better.

They never do of course. But the dopamine rush we get from the good moments here and there, fuel us up and keep us addicted to our abusers, hoping there will be more.

These distorted views of how love is received seeps out into the rest of our relationships too. Long after toxic relationships end, we still over achieve to get those “gold stars” of acceptance. Basing our worth on how happy other people are with us. Giving, giving, giving, but still feeling hollow and not good enough inside.

What if we just sit with ourselves in silence for a little bit and think about all of the the things we do, accomplishments we’ve achieved, things we are proud of ourselves for, that have been just for us, and not for others’ approval. Think hard. I know you have a few things.

My yoga practice, eating vegetables, (lbvs) sitting in nature by water, keeping my bedroom clean so I have a sanctuary to come to at the end of the day, taking baths, creating this websight with very little computer skills, writing, and meditating are a few of mine. Great things I do just for me and not for others approval.

THOSE THINGS ARE WHAT YOU NEED TO DO MORE OF!

Those are the things that will light a little spark inside of you to keep doing more things to make you feel good FOR YOURSELF, instead of relying on the rest of the world to fill you up. Over time, you might even remember how worthy of a person you truly are!

So tell me in the comments what you do for yourself that fills you up and makes you feel good. I want to hear all of them! Big accomplishments, little rituals, all of them! Sharing yours might give someone an idea of what they can do to raise how they feel about themselves. Gold stars from others feel good, but being able to give them to yourself, feels like magic!

You are loved, so very much!

Love, Haley

If you found this post helpful, find more Self-care tips in my 1st book Self-care Beyond Bubble Baths - Out of the box ideas to calm your mind and increase your self worth. I promise you wont regret it. I mean, worst case scenario you accidentally love yourself a little more.