My Most Important Single Mom Healing Hack
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I became a single Mom in a rather traumatic fashion. At 6:02 am, August 2nd 2011, I woke up to a loud banging at the door. I was immediately pissed thinking it was my long time partner and father to my two sons. Did this mf lose his keys? Dammit, he better not wake the kids up! (6 and 5 months old at the time) Is my phone dead? Why didn’t he call?!? I ran down the stairs of my attic bedroom as fast as my barely awake body could. The very second I stepped off the last step into the living room, my front door was broken down by the police. Flashlights shining in my face and several large guns pointed at me, they yelled at me to put my hands up. They were looking for my (then) partner.
After establishing that he had not come home that night, the police let me get my crying and confused boys out of their rooms. For the next two hours, the three of us sat together in a chair in the corner of my living room, guarded by an officer with his large gun drawn, as they ransacked my house. Yes, it was like the movies. Well, minus the slashing of mattresses. When they were done, they took my phone as part of their evidence and told me to let them know if I heard from him.
So there I was, in shock, two young kids, a broken down door, and no phone. Welcome to single motherhood Haley.
Luckily, most entries into single parenthood are not this traumatic. But they are All. Still. Hard.
This is the most important thing I wish I had known, and allowed myself to do back then:
CRY
I mean listen you guys, I cried after this happened, who wouldn’t. But allowing myself to cry too much back then made me feel weak. #capricornproblems So I’d cry for like, 60 seconds, if that, and then wrap myself back up in a Super Mom bow and pretend like I was strong enough to handle it all. And at the time, in my late 20s, I kinda was. But what I’ve learned now, is that what you shove down inside of you and refuse to feel, comes back in your late 30s as debilitating panic attacks. Huh, weird.
GET THAT SHIT OUT!
Let yourself cry for HOURS. Cry while you grieve the loss of what you thought your life would be like. Cry for how hard it is parenting on your own. Cry for the embarrassment you feel. Cry for your kids’ unknown future. Cry over how lonely you are. Cry about feeling unsafe. Cry because you hate where your life ended up.
Because if you don’t feel it and get it out, you’ll still be left carrying it around with you, even if you don’t realize it. It might come out in health problems, overcompensating in parenting, overworking yourself, over-eating, over-drinking, creating a Tinder account…lol All of these may be warning signs that your body is screaming for you to feel and heal your hurt.
For some of you the tears are right under the surface and finding them won’t be a problem. Some of you might need to sit for a little bit to dig them out, or watch a sad or triggering movie to get things started. I didn’t watch romcoms for years, because they brought up pain I had shoved down, and didn’t want to feel, about wanting such beautiful loves and the reality of the terrible relationships I allowed myself to be in.
Sometimes physical activity helps trigger an outlet for emotions too. I can’t tell you how many times, now, I’ve quietly sobbed on my yoga mat during final Savasana. Or ran on a treadmill (I hate cardio so this is a big deal) to physically push the emotions up to the surface, so I could have a crying session in my car after.
Obviously, I know there is much more to healing pain and trauma than crying, but I guarantee you, allowing yourself a crying marathon, will help you to feel better and is an easy first place to start the process.
If crying and allowing some of your pain to come out feels unsafe for you, I still recommend doing it.BUT! PLEASE DO IT SAFELY! With a therapist, a trusted friend, or at least letting someone know you are starting to work thru it, so they can check in on you regularly to make sure you are keeping yourself safe.
So now I need you to do two things:
1.) Go cry
2.) Tell me your thoughts on crying in the comments. Do you allow yourself to cry? What gets the tears going for you when you know you need to cry and can’t? Are you comfortable crying in front of others? Tell me everything so we can learn from each other.
You are so very loved!
Love, Haley
If you found this post helpful, find more Self-care tips in my 1st book Self-care Beyond Bubble Baths - Out of the box ideas to calm your mind and increase your self worth. I promise you wont regret it. I mean, worst case scenario you accidentally love yourself a little more.
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